It's been a long winter. Mentally, I feel even worse off than I was before, though things are finally looking up. I abandoned the gym. I honestly can't make myself get dressed and go out. And up until February, my husband was actually my biggest enabler, whether he meant to be or not. But he was out of work, which kicked my anxiety and stress in to high gear, along with Omicron. It meant that he happily went to the grocery store, the pharmacy, etc. instead of me. I stayed home, in my comfort zone.
But he started a new job in February, and I am having to actually leave the house a bit more now. I still can't make myself go to the gym, but I am going OUT. It's still an effort to make myself get dressed and do it, but I can't make him go run errands after he's already put in a long day.
I've had to put off all of my doctors because no work, no insurance. (Don't get me started on insurance being tied to employment and the not-so-affordable Affordable Care Act!) So I made all my appointments for April. Only to find out that his boss was full of crap, that benefits don't begin for 60 days after starting, so no insurance until MAY. Luckily, he got a nice, unexpected bonus last month, and will get a good one this month, so I am just going to go get shit done and pay for it. It's either that or wait until June to see my cardiologist, and I really can't do that.
So tonight I will fast and go get bloodwork in the morning. Then GP on the 11th, cardiologist on the 18th. A bit concerned, because yeah, I've put weight back on, and not eaten entirely well the last 6 months. And lately my sugars have been all over the damned place.
I think that's medication related though. I was taking Metformin twice a day, but due to traveling and other things, I started taking it all in the morning. It's extended release, so it should have been ok, but you know what? It's not. I was waking up with my sugar already high, then after breakfast, it would shoot up waaaay high. The same damned breakfast I have always eaten. So yesterday I went back to two doses. And this morning my sugar was much lower. I'll check it again here in a bit, before lunch, and see where I am at, but honestly, that's the only thing I have changed, so I really think that's the culprit.
My biggest annoyance with myself right now? When I was bigger, it didn't bother me. I'd made peace with my weight, with how I looked and I was happy. And then, I lost all that weight. I told myself it was just a side effect of healthy eating and literally working my arse off, and that it didn't matter. But now that I have put a lot of it back on, I am so mad at myself and annoyed that I am in a larger size again, that the new clothes I'd bought for myself don't fit as well, or in the case of my pants, at all. The self loathing and low self esteem that I thought I had conquered, is back. Couple that with my mental health struggles and I feel like I am in a wicked spiral that never ends.
But. My older brother died a few weeks ago, and that kind of kicked me in the ass. So I am trying to eat better, and actually walk on my treadmill, or go outside for walks on the weekend with my husband. I still can't make myself hit the gym, or walk outside on my own. But I am trying at least.
