I've had a rough day today. I can't remember having a day this bad in years. It's not that anything bad has happened, I just feel very down. That's the demon named Depression. It leaves me alone most of the time, but then WHAM! There it is again.
I woke up with a headache. That kind of started it. After a while I started to feel sorry for myself and then I was crying about nothing. The weather outside is beautiful, but I can't muster up the energy to even get dressed today. I don't want to do anything, go anywhere or let anyone see me. I have nothing to wear, my shirts are all stained, I'm fat, I'm frumpy and on and on and on, the voice of Depression goes.
So I take pain relievers for the headache, then cry and make it worse. I tried to sleep, but one of the things Depression brings when it visits is insomnia. So I am more and more tired, and more and more depressed. As a result the demon grows stronger. It's a vicious cycle.
I sent my family off this evening, to an information meeting for a trip abroad that my daughter has a chance to take. I was excited about it, but today I can't dredge up the energy to go. I can't even make myself get dressed and go pick up my prescription at the pharmacy, telling myself that I can take one of my "spare" pills tonight and go get the refill tomorrow. So here I sit, thinking, crying.
Maybe it's good that I only had today off. Tomorrow I will have to get out of bed, get cleaned up, get dressed and go to work. There will be no debate with myself on what to wear, I'll throw on my black pants and my blue shirt, just like I do every day for work. I won't have time to sit and think and listen to the demon whisper in my ear. And for awhile it will go away. Maybe tomorrow will be a good day and it will go away for a good long time again. Or maybe it won't.
If that happens, I will know it's time to talk to my doctor again. Time to think about going on meds again. If that's what it takes to get me sleeping again, and on an even keel, then that's what I'll do.
