For me.

It's been a long winter. Mentally, I feel even worse off than I was before, though things are finally looking up. I abandoned the gym. I honestly can't make myself get dressed and go out. And up until February, my husband was actually my biggest enabler, whether he meant to be or not. But he was out of work, which kicked my anxiety and stress in to high gear, along with Omicron. It meant that he happily went to the grocery store, the pharmacy, etc. instead of me. I stayed home, in my comfort zone.

But he started a new job in February, and I am having to actually leave the house a bit more now. I still can't make myself go to the gym, but I am going OUT. It's still an effort to make myself get dressed and do it, but I can't make him go run errands after he's already put in a long day. 

I've had to put off all of my doctors because no work, no insurance. (Don't get me started on insurance being tied to employment and the not-so-affordable Affordable Care Act!) So I made all my appointments for April. Only to find out that his boss was full of crap, that benefits don't begin for 60 days after starting, so no insurance until MAY. Luckily, he got a nice, unexpected bonus last month, and will get a good one this month, so I am just going to go get shit done and pay for it. It's either that or wait until June to see my cardiologist, and I really can't do that. 

So tonight I will fast and go get bloodwork in the morning. Then GP on the 11th, cardiologist on the 18th. A bit concerned, because yeah, I've put weight back on, and not eaten entirely well the last 6 months. And lately my sugars have been all over the damned place.

I think that's medication related though. I was taking Metformin twice a day, but due to traveling and other things, I started taking it all in the morning. It's extended release, so it should have been ok, but you know what? It's not. I was waking up with my sugar already high, then after breakfast, it would shoot up waaaay high. The same damned breakfast I have always eaten. So yesterday I went back to two doses. And this morning my sugar was much lower. I'll check it again here in a bit, before lunch, and see where I am at, but honestly, that's the only thing I have changed, so I really think that's the culprit.

My biggest annoyance with myself right now? When I was bigger, it didn't bother me. I'd made peace with my weight, with how I looked and I was happy. And then, I lost all that weight. I told myself it was just a side effect of healthy eating and literally working my arse off, and that it didn't matter. But now that I have put a lot of it back on, I am so mad at myself and annoyed that I am in a larger size again, that the new clothes I'd bought for myself don't fit as well, or in the case of my pants, at all. The self loathing and low self esteem that I thought I had conquered, is back. Couple that with my mental health struggles and I feel like I am in a wicked spiral that never ends. 

But. My older brother died a few weeks ago, and that kind of kicked me in the ass. So I am trying to eat better, and actually walk on my treadmill, or go outside for walks on the weekend with my husband. I still can't make myself hit the gym, or walk outside on my own. But I am trying at least. 

CW: Mental Health

 I'm at that age where my hormones are running amok, again. For me, perimenopause is like post pregnancy hormones, times 100. 

After my heart attack, my symptoms disappeared for over a year. Then, on my 51st birthday, it was like I flipped a switch, and my body said, "Hey, she's healthy now, we can make her miserable in every way again!" And so it has.

So the hot flashes are back, including night sweats that wake me up constantly through the night. Which means I am not sleeping well. So then we add insomnia to the list of symptoms. 

Still here and mostly healthy

 I recently quit my job. My manager got pushed out, and I didn't like the money grubbing route the new DM/corporate was trying to push us. You know, the usual story of same crap payrate, less payroll, and more work. So yeah, one less stressor in my life.

The bad thing about that though, is that at least at work I moved. Not working, I sit. So guess who joined a gym?! It me! I've pretty much recreated my cardiac rehab, so I do treadmill, cross trainer, the hated stationary bike, and a wee bit of the elliptical. Because right now, 5 minutes on the elliptical kicks my arse. But eventually I will get to 20 minutes, and then the bloody bike can go the hell away.

I'm doing cardio 3 days a week, and thinking about going two days for strength training. But I can't lie, I find the machines a little intimidating. And really, I wake up three days a week, thinking how much I don't want to go to the gym. I make myself go. Two more days a week might end me, haha.

I'm trying really hard to go back to portion control, too, as I have been kind of sloppy since the start of the summer. And my jeans are tight enough to prove it. I just bought new jeans, I don't want to have to go up a size, so.... I also had to stop buying sweets. My sugars have been all over the place this summer, No where near where they originally were, but still higher than I want them to be. I am a little afraid to go to the doctor in August.

It helps that more fruits are in season. Grapes, strawberries, blueberries, etc. So I get my sweets there, and the natural sugars don't seem to piss my body off as much. And I still keep a box of SweeTARTS on the counter, for a little snack here and there.

I mostly know which foods are going to spike my sugars, so I can either avoid them, or just walk on my treadmill for 30 minutes after I eat. Walking seems to be pretty key to keeping my sugars in check, and my heart happy.

Rehab, or really, just physical therapy

It's not bad. The PT is a nice guy, though he's a sports geek and keeps playing the sport trivia game. He asked what I was interested in and I said history. What I should have said was, "Western history. Especially women in the West." I mean, ask me about madams in Denver, or women outlaws and I'm your girl! (Look up Mattie Silks, she was an interesting woman, haha.) So far it's 20 minutes on the treadmill, 20 on the NuStep and 10ish on the stationary bike (I hate it, I mean, absolutely loathe that bike, owwww). So anyway, I am surviving it. But I hope he doesn't think I am getting on the elliptical any time soon, haha.

My A1C is down to 6.4, so that's fabulous. And my PCP was thrilled. She also told me that if my weight plateaued where it is now, that would be okay, too. We'll see. Forced cardio 3 times a week, in addition to work and walking on my treadmill the other 4 days, and I have a feeling I am not quite done. I've lost 20 pounds, just since the heart attack, but gone down three pants sizes since last October. It's getting a bit spendy having to replace all my clothes again. Okay, not really, since I've only replaced the jeans and bras. Most of my shirts hang on me though, so that's coming soon.

The bra shopping, as most bra shopping does, sucked. Especially in the middle of a freaking pandemic. So I bought bras on Amazon. And the first several were... bad. But it took me ages to figure out that the reason for that was that I was not the same size as the last time I bought bras! Once I went down a size, things worked better. And I've even gone down another size since (there's pretty bras in my drawer, not just comfortable and functional. They're still comfortable, too), though I only bought one as a trial.

But. I fully admit that since my cardiologist appointment, my diet has gone to shit. I've been snacking almost constantly since I get home from work in the afternoon, which is not good. The things I snack on aren't terrible (I love grapes! And raspberries) but some aren't great. Saltines have been the big bad this last week. And grilled cheese sandwiches on white bread. So this week I am going to eat better, I swear. No more crackers. And only one piece of bread, and a lot less cheese, or at least low fat cheese. I did find a recipe for shrimp scampi (with Barilla Protein+ Angel Hair, made with chick peas, lentils and peas) I like that's quick and filling, plus the sauce is versatile. Tonight we used the sauce on salmon and quinoa.

I have promised my daughter Culver's before she goes back to university though, so there's a Rueben coming, most likely on Friday since I have physical therapy Mon, Wed and Thursday, so not home until after 5 those evenings and the husband is home before me those nights and therefore can't pick it up on the way home, haha.

Woo hoo! I'm stable!

When I went to the cardiologist last week, my numbers were all good, and I am allowed to splurge every once in a while. I've lost 20lbs. Doc said the weight loss may level off, and I said, "That's fine. I look at it as a side effect of the changed diet, it's never been the goal." And that's true. My weight hasn't been an issue for years. After years of fat shaming as a child, I finally liked myself just the way I was, and now I like my body with its uncooperative veins and arteries. And because I like living, I'm learning to like my new life style. But there were potstickers and a big bowl of pasta and full fat sauce to be had after my appointment, as well as a small cheesecake. And yes, I told the doctor my plan, haha.

I start cardiac rehab tomorrow. I had to fill out a questionnaire thing about diet. It asked what I've eaten regularly over the last year. I didn't answer it that way, because what I eat now is nothing like what I ate nearly 3 months ago. It also asked about what sustained activities I could do without getting winded. It listed basic things, but also shit like dancing, skiing and playing tennis. Don't know if I could do that, because I DON'T want to do those things. I mean, I dance around the house, but I don't do the club thing or want to take dance lessons. Forced to do that as a kid, not interested now! (PS Parents, don't try to make your kid into someone they're not. I was never going to be like my older sister, and trying to make me made everyone miserable. And hey, now my sister is chunky too, so.... Yes, there's still some bitterness there.)

Anyhoo, I digress. I'm a little worried about rehab. I won't run. I'm not going to do any of the sport type things. I walk my ass off at work, and I walk on my treadmill when I am off work. If there's weight training involved, I'm cool with that. But FFS, I am 50 years old, and I have given up most of the foods that brought me joy, you're not torturing me on top of that. Oh, and if you don't have times later than 2pm, I'm not going to be able to play along. I can only take so much time off work. Seriously, do most heart attack patients not work?!

On that note, I'm going to go check my sugar and probably have an open faced pulled pork sandwich and some cole slaw, it's splurge night. ;)

Sweet as candy

My sugar, for the most part, is under control now, without insulin. This weekend I had a bit of a spike, mostly I think because I couldn't seem to stop grazing. And while the stuff I was grazing on was mostly good stuff, it was all pure sugar in the end. Whole grain bread, grapes, and raisins and at one point I broke and ate a packet of fruit snacks (the one not so healthy thing, haha.). So when I got up yesterday, my BS was at it's highest point in weeks but still not alarming. My dietitian and the diabetes educator both said normal range is 70-130, and when I was using insulin, I only took it at 150 or above. And 150 was the trigger for only 3 units of insulin, so still not terrible. Yesterday my fasting insulin, which has been at 120 or below since I maxed my Metformin dosage mid-June, was 156. Today, it's back down to 96, thanks to less grazing and probably, no bread. I stuck with fat free, sugar free yogurt yesterday for breakfast and lunch. Greek yogurt is good because it also has protein in it, and protein apparently helps my body absorb the insulin I make. So when I snack, I try to eat a protein and a carb together, to kind of balance things out. A piece of turkey and a cheese stick, or a few crackers. Or some peanut butter and a banana.

My diet has drastically changed. Starting with my beloved coffee. There are no more quad shot lattes in my life, just a brewed cup of regular coffee with sugar free creamer and a packet of sweetener. It's what I miss most. But it was all sugar and carbs, so it had to go. My cardiologist actually told me that caffeine can prevent a second heart attack, so I can still have the coffee. (Don't get me wrong, come pumpkin spice season, there is a PSL with my name on it, but only ONE.).

Egg yolks are mostly out, though I still occasionally have a whole egg, the yolk is where most of the nutrition is, after all. Taters, white bread, pasta, rice, all the "white" things are pretty much out as well. I have turkey sausage, a wee bit of potatoes and egg whites with low fat cheese and a few tablespoons of green chili without pork, for breakfast occasionally. Whole wheat pasta isn't bad (but we actually found a pasta made from peas, lentils and chickpeas, with protein, and it's really good! Barilla, in case you want to try it.) But oh gods, ground turkey is the worst thing I have tried so far. Veggies are my new bestest friends. And I drink at least one can of low sodium V-8 juice a day, just to make sure I get enough veggies for the day.

Chh chhh changes

Over the last two weeks, I've had to drastically change my diet. Everything "white" is out, since if I am going to eat carbs, they need to be higher value. Whole grain breads, whole wheat pasta, brown rice. The brown rice by the way, is a major learning curve, and we're still learning.

Even my coffee habit has changed. I've gone from at least two quad shot flavored lattes a day to one cup of regular coffee with sweetener and sugar free creamer first thing and a second half regular half decaf cup later in the day.

And I actually eat lunch when I come home for lunch, instead of just drinking coffee. It's only a container of fat free, sugar free Greek yogurt (protein, fiber and minimal carbs all in one go, without having to mess with chia seeds or oats at night).

Obviously, the biggest adjustment has been the sugar-free thing. I like my sweets. Despite the fact that sweeteners are better now, there's still an obvious taste difference. And at the moment because my sugars are up and down like a fiddler's elbow, I can't even eat fruit to get my sweet fix. Life is spent balancing good carbs versus bad carbs, and protein. And eating salad. Lots of salad. Some day, I may be able to indulge every once in a while, but that's not going to be today.

So, I will get my steps in at work, and once my treadmill gets here Friday, walk on it every evening after dinner (when my blood sugar tends to spike the worst), and hopefully wrestle my cholesterol and sugars down to acceptable. The good news is my blood pressure is already down to acceptable, thanks to meds.